Motives

Today overall was quite a nice day, something got me though. People are so careless with their emotions that they practically lie about how they feel or how bad they'd like you to be a part of their life. Today while sitting in my dimly lite office, I calmly realized the people I once held close are slowly yet not forcefully drifting away. Its so appalling that one day you can be completely dedicated to someone and the next not hear from them for weeks and seemingly have no problem with it. That's something I might never be able to understand about human behavior although I'm sometimes guilty of doing that same thing to others. I know I sometimes say things I don't mean on purpose but never with the intent of hurting anyone. To me feelings are so important that I would lie about them I would rather not tell how I felt about something than lie and say I felt otherwise. When things are done that way you can't help but leave a person mislead and unhappy about how thing turned out once they are lied to about something so simple as feelings. Guys to me are really bad about that, most time cause they have alternative motives. But oh well I can't change people, but I can delete them from my life and I have No problem if you delete yourself.

Its "Her" Birth"Day!"

So I had my own personal plans for my mom's birthday today but I suppose because its not y own they did not happen the way I planned. She stated off getting ready for church and we went. my mom's on the prayer ministry, so what day other than her birthday would she be chosen to pray in front the whole entire congregation of New Direction Church. Let her tell it she was nervous as CRAP!! lol well those we're her word but she said she had butterflies. Regardless of how she was feeling , she did very well minus the people playing the instruments a tad too loud, just enough so that you wouldn't have to strain to hear mommy. Anyway church went smooth and afterward we went to have breakfast at Owen Brennan's for a New Orleans style $30 dollar a plate brunch, my treat. it was pretty good too, and it better had been considering how much was spent. After that hearty breakfast we went home and I retreated for my after church nap so necessary after that meal. I slept for about two hours and when i woke we were right back out the door for dinner with the family (Gran, Gramps, Uncle Joe, Kim and Kiala, Mommy and me)at Olive Garden. I had a new dish called rigatoni with chicken "Leftovers" it was so good and I can't wait to eat it for lunch tomorrow , if it makes it that far into the day. Overall mommy said she enjoyed "her"day and I'm happy about that. its very seldom that she get one of those were it's strictly about her. Oh and we went shopping too, spent a pretty penny too compliments of Gramps. So I had fun with mommy just us most of the time, no stress just peace and fun, unusual but definitely enjoyed. :)

England's Appreciation of Family!

Particular Thoughts

     Usually I might not have anything particular to say about any situation so I just start typing, but today is not one of those usual times. I have a little something on my mind having nothing to do with you personally but you in general, if that makes sense. This morning I was thinking , why is it when you want something so great to happen in someone else's life they don't seem to want the same for themselves? I hear this question almost everyday from my mom during one of her famous "Getting You On the Right Track" lectures. I guess its not so much that I don't want or expect much in my own life, its more that I don't see the need right now. Of course I see the need to make good grade and things like that but just things you can't really control like how the weather effect my hair when I go to a party which leaves you thinking I have been doing something unacceptable is just ridiculous.This happened a while ago, but that thought still lingers in my mind as to how untrustworthy I am in your mind. It bugs me to my ends to know I might never me old enough to be old enough to do anything. On these rare occasions when I think a lot about things that don't concern these times, I feel like I've taken a step back from life and have fallen to a place so familiar I'm almost not only thinking of it but living it also. Sometime I feel as if I can't tell reality form my mere thoughts. Things sometimes get so bad that I literally think I'm dreaming and soon I'll wake up and it will be yesterday before this volcano erupted. But I wont think too hard about anything particular for awhile I'll just think when I do and rest my imagination when life is just too good and I'll live in the real, but hold so close to my fantasies of life that when I need them I could just close my eyes and I would be gone once more.

Cleaning the Vents

I won't even lie, I mean you had me thinking, but of course not about any possibility of us.., I just thought you would at least not lead me to believe something that was not. Don't worry though the concern is gone and I won't even bring it up to you how wrong you are. You do childish things and I won't attend those types of meetings anymore they're clearly not worth my time. There are better thing I could waste it doing... I can't even say I'm disappointed just kinda bombed that I personally moved too fast. I give myself my props though I'm moving at the perfect pace with someone a "perfect distance" away, as to not mess up anything. I'm very proud of myself and my ability to see the forest for the trees when it comes to things like this. Some people can't discern valuable relationships from the unnecessary ones. I hope I continue to be wise in my decisions. Judging the good from the bad in your life is often more tough than any easy task and of course. I can't help but be a little disgruntled about this small error I've come cross but I will handle it like a big girl and promise myself the awareness I'm due.
Goodness I haven't wrote in long time,funny, something like a bump in the road or something urges me to write. I suppose pure and unedited feelings are just something that can't be erased and must be published into your actions besides, that would be the only way you would keep from being insane. Changing things you don't see fit and things you take note not to be experienced again. Another thing school has been going WOMBO well lol. When the world I think I'm involved in, symbolically begins to crash down I am truly force to look at myself for feelings; as to why I might cry or even smile. :)
Just because things didn't go well today might have just been the way for  me to get back to writing, this was the only thing missing. I can think now that I have something on my mind that bothers me to where I have to vent, that's good right? At least I have emotions I am able to make visible.#RAMBLING

I'm Yours

Sitting silently supervising my thoughts I submerge myself in my imagination. Drowning, in anguish my tears become invisible under the water. I, so weak and unable to come up for air, sink. Waves massive, bring me up again, accepting the gaseous life into me I plummet to the depths of my sorrow. Fading in and out of consciousness, my mind is unable to obtain sanity. I cant alleviate myself for my own advantage. I grasp a glimpse of vitality and at once it's gone. My mind burns from the flames sculpting the figuration of my body and I'm scorched. Somehow I'm still alive and I turn to gaze into a unfamiliar mirror and my once bruised, bloody, drowned body is replenished. Something recognized as an outside force grabs me but untouched I am lifted into a glowing spring of light were I know no one but everyone knows me, my songs singing so sweetly to me as I am and carried into the plea sent arena of sky to the vicinity of heaven, I'm pure enough to go but not willing to cooperate with the will I imagined, I'm dropped from the height of my high and at once I see you as a face that resembles the king you claim and too I hear you but indeterminable are your words so I deny them as such and although I don't look to be as much I pledge that I'm yours and you don't deny it yet you leave me to embrace my sorrow and torture with watery eyes still visible from the drowning I had encountered in my days of of being yours when I took that leap into the deep in of my uncertainty.

Incomplete

If I were strong enough to tell you no, I still wouldn't have a choice , you would eliminate all my other options and there would be no more comfort for me, your wings would surround my heart shielding me form hurt, yet not from yourself. pain would be unleashed from you and injected into me then it would be projected through my emotion. We would wrestle in love argue through hurt and scream out each others faults at each other, but your wings would never let me go, jerking me back into you, raping my soul with permission so we'd call it love, If i were to escape your hold I would run,then turn to you screaming just as before and run back to you crying apologizing for my transgression, not yet committed, but thought deeply of. You'd accept it but not without guilt cause you had done the same as i . I would rap your wings back around me and beg for you comfort once more, and you wouldn't deny it, you'd embrace me and tell me your personal apologizes for the faults you held in our disperse. We'd be happy again, me protected from the storms and you feeling ever so mighty in your statue. We would rest our differences and pledge to bury our hate of them. We'd grow with passion for one another. Clinging to our love like life rafts we'd float away to paradise.

Distant Touch

Its raining outside but that's no excuse. My return was highly anticipated but I'm not back yet. I get so bored with myself sometimes. I wish I could find the right words to tell you that I really do have something to say, but all I can come up with is this blank look on my face and I know you wish I'd speak. Inside I wonder why your so disappointed even though I hear you clearly when you say I let you down. I pulled you up on hopes, let you grab my hand even, then let you fall, that's how I see it as you say it... but I know it can't really be the brutal. I didn't even bother saying I was sorry cause I doubt you would even hear it over your despair. I feel you staring at me but I can't bear to look at you, you lean to me I lean away, what's wrong. If there was, I still wouldn't tell you it's not like it would change the fact that I won't let you be around me. Or I won't let me be around you, either way you put it we're still distant. I can't lie and say I don't mind cause that would let you down more. I wish you'd just choose not to be here, I know I would be sad but that's something I hope your happiness would fix. I have too much on my mind and time won't allow me to confess it but at least let me say I know I'm wrong. I'm not sorry but I'll admit I'm wrong. I'm not all to blame though, some of this is your fault, and I know you don't see it as such but just for my sake, if you cared you would right your flaws in my eyes, thats what I'm trying to do. I hope you understand that I'm not being forceful but passionate with my words and the choices so that you don't miss my point. I don't know you and you refusing to hear me just makes things worse and trust, I do hear you but understandance is something that I lack so much. I try but my attempts fail like your attempts to be with me. I swear I'm not pushing you away, just think of it as me not allowing you to get closer than you already are.

Work Ethic

Some people just don't understand when you trying to put your foot down from the times when your just playing around. You would think it might be the difference in your tone that says "hey I'm serious" but no some people don't even get that. they'd rather take you for an extreme joke and not even think twice about how them taking your seriousness lightly makes you feel. Give me a break and when I ask for one don't pretend like I'm speaking a foreign language. that upsets me to the tenth power. Anyway I have been kinda busy this weekend, doing stuff for school and getting my make up work done. Ms.Kirby ain't no joke and neither is her class, its necessary for me to pass. (Deep breaths) but I'm making it okay. Besides amidst the studying and extra redo work I've been doing, things were really good this weekend between me and my mom. That's all I have to say about this weekend and I'm glad I didn't visit my dad.