Losing Her Voice

After reading the book that made me think of things I had not experienced, I came to the conclusion that my imagination was not as vivid as I had envisioned. Some things just help you find yourself, and better understand the things that are going on in your personal life outside the cover of a book. Hard Love did that for me. I can easily relate to the feelings expressed by the characters. The imagination is a wonderful thing to have and its even greater when you can run into the thoughts of others. For the last few days I have been completely without the security of my words, of course the were inside my head but that's a lot different from having someone to hear them. i felt musseled, but not because I could not speak but because no one could hear me. It really effects a person in a negative way when you feel you aren't being heard or that you can't express yourself. People die to have a voice and here everyday people are having them taken away by people who fear listening, maybe because it would force understandance of people some are not fully ready to accept or simply because they don't care. Any who seeing life through the eyes of words is totally different than hearing or even having to go through it. That's all I have to say for now but, just be sure you always say what's necessary.
EnglandSpeakingOut!

Hacker/ Thief/ Relief

Ok so yesterday I was suppose to be talking to a friend I made at the Arkansas State Youth Conference, but turns out i was talking to the guy who hacked/ stole his phone. This guy and i were having a full conversation, then he says this is not London. I'm over here looking extremely lost cause obviously it is I'm the one and only E'london Farris. Then he comes back to say this is Lawrence. once again I'm looking crazy so continued talking think Desii was playing with me. The guy then tells me he is 40 years old, so now I'm thinking this must be his step dad. i ask why am I talking to you and Not Desii, he says he's not sure. it was all starting to seem a little odd. So we kept talking, then I get a message from the real Desii saying "WTF I have been hacked London." I'm now really amazed cause for all this time I had no idea because of the simple fact that I was talking to him. So I continue to talk to whoever would respond, being Desii or Lawrence. Soon things get straightened out and I'm finally talking to my friend lol.
 Also, yesterday I wrote this amazingly long ransom note about my dad, and how I felt about us not spend too much time together lately. Lord Behold, God is real cause maybe thirty minutes later i get a call from my dad asking me to lunch!! Of course he didn't read my letter, my step mom did and she said she told him he needed to spend more time with me. that whole situation made me feel good, to know that there are some people out there who really honestly and truly care about me.
England'sClearSkies

"F*** YOU, I'M GOOD!"

I just came to the conclusion while listening to Tyler, who didn't have his dad around at all, that I don't have my father around either. I see know better than ever that those weekend trips to his house are just to ease over the fact that I'm not spending real time with him. I get over there and the only time he comes up to my room is to say good night. I do come down to his but damn, do I not matter enough to you for you to come see me during the day and make sure I'm OK? I can count on one hand the amount of times you approach me with words to say, that ain't "clean this up before you go upstairs." So yeah, I can honestly say without regret that you just loved me enough to nut in my mom to make me, but not enough to care for me. Then you gripe day in and out when I ask you for something, talking about you pay child support. Well, where the hell is my mental support, emotional support, and directional support. If I ended up as a bomb would you even care... Not all is bad though, I do like and enjoy your wife and her family, but at times its like I spend more time with her and them than I do you. You always got some kind of excuse, it either costs too much or you don't have the time. It kinda hurts to know when I become someone how proud your going to be, and that you don't have anything to do with me. My success will be mine and creditable to my mom and the works and support of her family. I'm not saying your nothing, I'm just screaming f**k you, I'm good! Cause that's how I feel every time I'm around you. I do so much better without you, you ain't the nigga that propels me to the next level, you just some nigga. The dude that told me he needed a dollar effected me more than the mess you come at me with. Maybe not, cause that dude didn't even make it here for me to write about. You made it here, so you somebody just like everybody, you did some thing, that's better than nothing. You made me and that says a lot to me, you were a man at one point, you handled yours, but you must have forgot about me and mine that you left behind. You over there playing daddy to some other chic kid and got her asking you if she can drive her car, you ain't even buy, just so you can feel in charge or some I don't know. Its a little confusing to me and my excuse used to be that I'm just a kid and that I cant handle these emotions and thoughts but now the questions is, can these thoughts handle me and what I'm gonna say to you when I make the opportunity to confront you on my revelation. I don't hate you, I just wish I didn't know you, but if I didn't that would be one less thing for me to write about and one less paragraph closer to my dream, so I'm thankful at this moment until your selfishness pisses me off again.

The End

PYRAMID CITY ON MY BACK

I'm back in Pyramid City from the Arkansas town of Searcy. I had fun there y'all. I met a few new people and gained some highly determined haters, as usual. At the end they started to act all nice while all alone they were smiling in my face, dude I saw you turning your face up at me while I was with who you thought you liked. Who cares I'm tickled silly by you. Anyway I learned a lot on the spiritual side of thing as well, mostly about sex though. I kinda get tired of the same approach to things, its draining. Klein and I kinda snuck away to subway one day with a few friend, we got hungry and it was on a break. I don't see the harm. They are way too strict on the rule there. I'm 15 years old why do I need an adult with me at all times? Its not like I'm going off with some guy, I'm from Memphis I know no one in Searcy. Oh there was this one kid who I just have come to know as an admirer of me. After we get back home! Wack Life lol. Just got back home and now I'm ready to get out of Memphis again already lol. That's just life and how things are sometimes, everything looks better in a snapshot, if you know what I mean. Getting to know people is really hard to do most time cause you never fully understand the way they think and feel about things, its so easy to lie and manipulate that you almost have to be alone to and understand yourself first. Which in my opinion is the best thing to do. people also cant except change in life. I know I personally have a struggle with that, I don't like things to go any other way than the way I want it and different is painful.

eNGlANd

Yesterday I Met, Today Has Been...

Yesterday was pretty good, a person confided in me with something that would have otherwise been personal information. I met this white boy, whose dad was working on the air conditioner at the body shop for my grandpa, anyway I had been talking to him for awhile about a few lil things about life. Yesterday was already a eventful day to begin with the office was kinda busy. So me and this white guy, Wesley, were talking then he goes on and tells me that his mom and older brother had died when he was seven. I was so shocked, I didn't know what to say actually, I kinda felt bad that he told me. I'm sure he had expected me to say something nice and comforting but, me trying to be nice and different thinking that he had heard enough of that just sad "oh I'm sorry" stuff I kept the conversation going. He said that he didn't remember much about her nor his brother but he felt that he had missed a lot of necessary love from his mother that his dad wasn't always able to give. I understood that aspect of it. *quick prayer for him and his*.
     But today has been pretty dull haven't talked to Jrocc much today but oh well, talking later. Finally made it to my dad's house, leaving out tomorrow to Arkansas, then again from there to Searcy for the State Youth Conference. R.I.P Reggie Murdock Jr. Definitely a good kid.. Highly funny! I don't like to think about the dead especially since I don't know too many. He was closer to me than any of the other deceased that I have known. Well as far as now I'm sitting here watching my step mom cook a death sentence lol jk Kellee, she's having a hard time, she has no salt. I would help but I'm not the greatest cook myself lol. Can't wait to be out of Memphis. Gonna miss my mommy though! D:
#EnglandLovesTravel

Diction

Freedom through these lines, release from this pen, when my thoughts are deported to this paper, characters fill the space between capturing lyric, rhyme, and theme. Counseling me with every stroke to make a letter in arrangements to make words and words making sense. Sense of self fades into clarity when I'm with them, words I never would express to anyone I tell you in comfort knowing my soliloquy is sacred. Tucked into my heart, is my understanding of us. Pure, relaxed, and plenty is my dark faded skin, deep eyes like night, once ignored now so ever noticed by you. Body smooth as lotion blemish free from sight. Tone and figure both sweet, you give me words to this confidence. You embrace me and my flaws without acknowledgement, as if you don't notice, but when out of your presence I notice. Your touch like the warm bath in the cold winter as I type; I admit I forget but just your presence reminds me. I have to search for these words inside cause the surface is a dangerous place for them to be, I confide in you, they could very well be whipped away, but putting them safely with you, wont allow that to happen. You are one with me, I am you, so I am myself with you. Your words come from my mind but I hear them in a different voice when they're combined with my imagination. You are an image of me in words. I am you in the flesh. You and I become one through translation of my thoughts to words. My pain is transferred to you and you tell a story of it embracing every aspect whether be of love, pain, hate, or joy. You insert a drive in me to renew my security in myself. I grow in you . You nurse me into you , you are not me I have become you. I am your flesh and I communicate your words. Diction.

EFF MY PLANS!?!

I had plans today that fell through. Thanks to the action of my sister and the thoughts of my step mom. Every time I come here, some mess occurs. I'm not coming here for a while. But turns out I have to come back next week to go to the sate youth conference. So i guess I'm going to the mall with the family instead of the movies. This suck and this is why Klein might have had "FUCK MY LIFE" on her screen.
So we got home from eating at Stix, jap restaurant. When we got home I went up so change my clothes and went outside. Took a walk then before long my dad came out and merged into my peace walk silently. Moments later here come Klein... I could have sworn I was trying to get away.. but something you just attract. Mine is love and comfort. I guess I can handle that, at least  for a little while each day.

ITS JUST THURSDAY!!!

Your Kiss Is On My Lips, is a great song, it must have a meaning underlining the lyrics. I've heard it so much in the last few days, more than I have ever. Today has been a good day starting off.  My mom hasn't started her grouch yet, and I'm at work so that's a plus... its Thursday!!!.Tomorrow's FRIDAY!!! Oh have you heard the spoof to Friday, it goes its Monday! I like it, hope you do to. Anyway, I'm so ready for tomorrow to escape today, ready for the weekend!!

ITS MONDAY!!!

WHAT!!!!!!!!??????

You ever had a bad day that wasn't too bad but noticeably far from good. I think I have become numb to my bad days. Not to mention I have a insect bite the size of Jupiter on the back of my arm. Itchy. My mom has become the burning sensation after a deep flesh cut by a knife. I cried a little today, my feelings weren't hurt though. I used to be sensitive to other peoples feelings, I don't know what has happened. Is there something in humans that make them less understanding of the person their around most, or is that just the case with me? Am I that out of turn with the life inside the four wall referred to has home. To me that has merely become a prison,they share the same qualities. JK. OK OK OK I just had a conversation with Joe and he is EXCELLENT. OK the whole spill on my mom is that she feels I treat her differently than I do my dad and his ppl on his side. She thinks I'm always excited to do something with them but not her, that there's always a problem and an accuse for me not to spend time with her. She doesn't maximize her time with me anyway. When I say "mom I'm not ready to go home" that's her opportunity to say well lets go such and such. She always has something to fuss about but when the time comes nothing occurs, in my opinion. I see my dad two weekend out the month that's ruffly like 26 weekends a year and 30 in a good one. I am with her everyday expect the rare but scheduled weekends I'm with him?? WHAT'S THE PROBLEM!??... mY bLOGGER MY thoughts JUST for ME??? that's all I have to say... She runs me away with this kinda stuff...

ENGLAND!???haSS???qUESTioNS???

The Storm in Oz

The thunder outside my window creates the perfect rhythm for my thoughts to address yours. The rain embraces my pain as I watch you outside through my blinds, you are sensational. The lit background full of lightening excites your eyes, while you surrender to the hum of the wind against your ear. I hear you like the tremble of my walls in my room, you are loud and fearless during the storm. The light cool colors in the sky are vibrant against my skin and you are indifferent about the direction of the tornado taking place. You lead us safely to safety.
!!!!!!!! D:

The Big contradiction of Biggie Smalls

I recently made this list about thing I cared about, ordered to do so by my mom, and I realized neither of my parents were on there. This being because They couldn't have cared much when making me. See I'm a lot different from the next... no doubt I like it but no one understands me. Something must have happened to my genes cause everyone else is human and I'm shit.
England!

The little Lion!

Today has been good. There's this person I smile with in the evening and when my sky gets a lil cloudy. I mean that's about all, but all is more in the moment. Little is known about this character, though many questions are asked. I do not roam in the safe area I jump to my curiosity. I sing the songs about rainbows maybe someday dreams will come true. I read your thoughts from your notes to yourself, I come to know who you are and what you aspire to be to her. Her is the one you claim to tell your friends about, her is the one every girl should want to be. Your are nice and enjoy my songs. That is all for now but now is extended until tomorrow because soon today will end and the unknown will begin. I have enjoyed today and today has allowed me to escape to my imagination away from the work I put in. I have come to notice that as I type I do not think I just type every word that comes to my mind lol... well when I write poetry. The well informed brought that to my attention his name is YOu. say hello to YOu. I am YOu and YOu is I so I am myself with YOu. He is my consultant. Crazy is the box most think in and in it is insanity so many go mad trying to understand the understood. I don't, I say what makes sense to me. Today has been wild, like a lion roaring at the cheetah to leave him alone. You think that's weird the lion is a lost baby :( ok I'm done acting silly.

#EnglandIsJungled

The War

The truth is that I hate you. you were the person who I envied ago. I searched for who you would be the next day compared to today. You were my hero, I screamed for you when I was in pain and had fears. You never showed, but that's not the reason for my anger, you let yourself down, levied your worth to the earth below casting craters in my mind as to why you would do such a thing to your future. You had me voicing your reasons when your intentions were shady, you had me listen to your stories and believe them. You told me you were great and that you would one day rescue me, you lied. But even that's not why I'm angered, you said if I did right, good would come to me and that life would work for me. I stood in the river and watched you sail away to you destiny without me, you left me, cold hearted and naked without the truth as to where you were going and when you would return. You promised you would write me, you did, I can say that much, but then they stopped coming, I cried. I called you and you said you were due home soon. I waited and you never came, but that's not the reason for my anger. You ran from the people trying to kill you with rifles and the right to. You were dangerous and a killer yourself, you ran for your life, but that run was shortly lived cause you died. That is why I'm angered.

These last few days

These last few days have been good, in very few words. I have been enjoying this weekend a little more than usual since I have been off of work. yesterday I went over to my great aunt's house fro her birthday party. She turned sixty three. I didnt stay too long after the tacos were served... i had to leave to go see a movie with my grandpa! We went to go see BAD Teacher, it was an okay movie but since my grandpa's kinda old he thought it was great. it definitely wasn't a kid friendly movie a lot of boobs but I have those too but it was still kinda weird seeing them while sitting next to my grandpa. After the movie ended he was hungry, so we went to Chili's, to get him his favorite, turkey club. I didn't get anything but a strawberry lemonade, I drunk it like old men do beer in CHEERS lol! Then he took me home, I rolled my hair and slept like the sleeping beauty I was.

EnglandWatchesMoviesAndParties!

Mystery Hero all by: MY imagination

Skid marks like burned rubber on concrete, you left your mark on me permanently. A constant reminder that you were once here, that you once roamed here near me. You bruised me with your words of brutality, beating me with weapons of mass destruction to my mind. You killed me with fatal intentions, cracked me like a stiff neck, stomped on my like dust on a welcome mat, you invited me in only to abuse me with your reluctance to love me because of your insecurities. Amidst all these feeling you had and mine toward you I had sympathy for you and the reasons you were like this was because of the things you lacked. The screams from your bedroom awake me, death makes its move on you in the form of pain you weep regretting your every move to the next. Then you come to me, strip me of my confidence to resemble your feelings. You constantly reinforce that you don't hate but never express the love you have for me. Like bricks falling, my tears rain like hail in the night as I kneel at your feet resembling prayer to the one who has seemingly forsaken me. Why, I never have the courage to ask, I don't know you. You are like the killer in my dreams, like the faceless thief in the night, like the person I never noticed, dark in the dark, blank you must have been to me because you, I no longer recognize. You have no name, no face in my memory, you are not present in what used to be my life. You have become a silent hero with a face no one will ever have the honor of rewarding. Mercy like a gentle touch in the morning sun or a smooth application of lotion on a baby, I am rescued from your choke hold you had entitled as love by this mystery hero many have come to know as death.