Because I WAS Angry

Just because I choose to bite my tongue and shy away from my words, doesn't mean I'm not thinking every word in my vocabulary that could possibly be used to curse you. Don't doubt that when I roll my eyes or say OK with a grunt unfamiliar to you, that its simply just that, and not me saying shut up and get out my face, you disgust me, because you do. When you say something and I quickly respond with more attitude than little don't assume that I don't have good reason to be, I take a walk and think over what just occurred and think should I had said more than I did, in my opinion the answer will always be yes. I do not like you, I tolerate you more than I tolerate your ignorance, you thinking your a good parent. I get more frustrated thinking that you expect me to be respectful in every instance regardless as to what you say or do to me because in your eyes I'm just a child and I should just take the okie doke. That's not me, I'm not her I not going to agree with you cause your an adult, and try not to look so spazzed when I ask you why, and answer like you have some sense and not like I'm some trick off the street with no intellect once-soever cause I do and I'm not her. If you choose not to heed these options I've given, then be very prepared to hear my month when I'm not the least pleased with you. My respect for you deteriorates every time I come here. Said once will be stated again I don't come here to see you I come to see my brother and chill with Klein. Sometimes I want so spend time with you but those time are rapidly coming to a halt. You annoy me and I do not appreciate your presences.

What You Want

Out of yourself, drunk, slumbered, high. Your veins running full of a potent substances unknown as of now, since being mixed with all these other non medicinal things. You say you want so much more than what I can give you , being willing to try anything except help, me being what you need, Fighting through the pain of abuse you neglect yourself but moreover you forget yourself, your existence in my eye and your sight in your own. You become unbearable through your inability to stay under the influence of me and who I expect you to be, but I allow it. I like you better raw, beaten, bruised and under my pressure of me telling you to get high for this, you find pleasure in being my test tube and my manikin, free to move around, going above and beyond my imagination with you because you mentally are gone. I take the stuff once more dissolve it in water, heat it, and inject it into you. You die again, I manipulate you consistently, cutting, scraping, pounding, you oblivious to the damage I am causing inside and out of your now fleshy body. Clothes bloody, arms oozy, eyes puffy, you sit waiting for the next time I might let you hit. Selfishly I give you all the drugs I love the way they make you act, your mental state off topic, and your words drug through mud, filthy, your personality relaxed and unrealistically careless. That's you off your sanity and in it. Highly, overly prepared to jump off the buildings we so highly sit upon, skyscrapers, cliffhanging over what was once the twin towers. You committed to this lifestyle with me, you being partially unable to speak which leaves me doing all the talking. Lungs filled with lethal smoke from the kush we confess with our lips. Hypocritically saying our prayers before we eat, then we right back at like with the beat.

Trapped by Emotion

The burden I put on undoubtedly holds me down more than life itself. I sometimes don't know what to choose, being right or wrong, and sometime I just don't care. Things are so much more complicated than they are simple and I promise I'm not going to stick around in complication if I had a choice not to. I strengthen myself to make the hard decision and force myself to be happy in them, I would encourage you to do the same. Things you press on me and talk to me about, are things for some reason or another I can not help you with. Even you know this, but when I scream that conclusion out you assume that I'd rather not hear about your sorrow. You say you're there for me but I usually don't have problems to the extent of yours and when I do run across those multiple times when tears come to my eyes, I hide them for view. We cope differently indeed, I prefer not to discuss my issues with others, but solve them within me personally, that just makes it easier than having to worry about if someone is listening and if they will even give you feedback. I run through fixing my problems, especially the ones that are beyond me, you don't, you want to reveal them to the world and show your emotion through your verbalized words and your oh so sensitive tears that are broad casted upon your face. I write my feelings and for some reason afterwards I feel so much better than I did before. I can't tell you how to deal with your problems or how they make you feel, but I can tell you no one is going to care about them the way you are, and its so much better to keep them and fix them yourself inside. Only you know how to deal with your problems.

What You Need Lyrics

What You Need Lyrics: The Weeknd What You Need lyrics in the HouseOfBalloons Album. These What You Need lyrics are performed by The Weeknd Get the music video and song lyrics here. I just wanna take you there He don't gotta know it Does he touch you there like this Lemme t

Scarlet Letter

Imagine having to wear a designated letter to publicize your wrongs. That would be torture, because your inequities would be at the forefront of everything you did. From job interview, to relationship, to even just a casual walk around the park, people would know you not by who you were personally but by the wrong you had done. That's basically what is happening in the Scarlet Letter. It has turned out to be an exceptionally good book minus the Old English. Anyway I know I would have a few letter along with almost everyone in the world. I know that would make you a lot more conscious about the decisions you make and way you choose to handle things.
Anyway today was a good day!!! OMG I was thrilled by thing thing I was able to do today. I worked hard in school then played had after. LOL

Only Up

The end of a perfect story always leaves me wondering when I will be that main character, or even if things can actually happen that way. I don't doubt the fact that I'm a pretty exceptional girl for my age and my mind is past the time of those older than me, which sometime makes me fill like I don't fit into any category of people. Sometimes I settle for thing less than stellar but that's a subconscious choice of mine. I often wonder if God would ever create people with the soul purpose of dying. I'd doubt it and even if He did that would never me an option, life is just too good and death just seems so barren and vacant. I just cant compete happiness with the disappointment I feel, if you are reading this timing might be perfect but this has nothing to do with you. Stories of life seem so carefree coming from the mouths of others, while mine crash into a painful deaths. I had a talk with someone I consider the best, we talked about being loved and what we felt about it. I think I have a right to be loved and that's something I should be able to gain but it seems to be something I cant even see, speak of, or hear to even tell stories about. lol My mom once asked me if I was bipolar, no I just have so much I choose not to share, and my emotions are so impressionable that sometimes I can't control how I feel. I wish I could talk and say how I feel, and now even typing all that I am there are things I just refuse to type or speak on. You'll never truly know what's going on with me and sometimes I feel that's a good thing and other times, when I'm screaming and no ones around to hear me or even look at me, that its not. I'm nothing to the world and the world is nothing to me. I long to me like no one, I love me but it would be nice to be able to talk to someone who gives a crap and that'll say more than I think it'll be ok. I hate I have been the type to hold things in so long that letting them out seems more of a burden than not expressing them. I get sick to my stomach not saying anything and smiling, I'm happy all the time and people seem to notice that about me so crying is not a part of my displayed character. Sucks For Me...

Way Back Then But Not Now...

Today I wont have  to pretend that im satisfied about anything that I don't want to. My father undeniably upset me this weekend. Me being a commendably giving type of person, just sometimes feels the need to be alone along with the rare times where I long to have some one on one time with MY own person time with my father uninterrupted. Don't get me wrong i have NO problem sharing my dad, past sharing but loaning past loaning to giving him away. except every other weekend, to my stepsister who also has a father but finds comfort in having mine along also. I not seeing my dad but , like I said every other weekend would like a little time with him when I do. Also since I'm the type to be bold and entirely rude I choose not to at anytime tell my sister to leave or to let me be alone with my dad without her. I could never bring myself to that. I used to when I was smaller but becoming more mature and respective of other feelings now I dont. I knowingly go without but choose not to forget how easily he pushes me off on other people. I could clearly ask him to do something with me and emphasize "with ME" and ten other people end up coming and him, not coming at all. Sucks but i bite my tongue so eloquently to hold off dispute until he notices my attitude toward the whole thing, but even then I still say nothing. I guess I'm too mature and have had to deal with so many thing and have been taught so much that I don't feel the need to voice my opinion in detail but just know that when that mobbing gangster look is thrown at you it could be much worse.

FLYNESS!!!!!

I Take It Personal

I'm, in a million words less than I can think of, tired. I really have accepted the fact that I'm not sure what I want out of life, but I'm positive that its not something confusing me more. I have grown past childish things, but some things I just do for my laughs cause I don't take things too serious that shouldn't be. Some people aren't meant to be in your life and when they, for some reason, choose to stay I try not to be rude about getting them out. Then there are some things, you truly want to work out in your life just so you can say you were, at one point, happy. I'm a sure-of-myself type of person but when it comes to things that effect more than just me, for some reason I don't like being the one to call the shots. If there was something wrong with me, I would just let it heal before I would tell people. This is becoming personal,  but personal is what makes me human and vulnerable to emotion, I enjoy that. Some people who act  like things don't phase them usually aren't being real, and those who act like everything effects them are the same. I try not to be either but live life as everyday allows and judge the things that come along based on it being worth my time. Tears are often shed caused by the efforts life throws just to get you down. I love myself to much to tolerate fake love from anyone. Who doesn't want to be heard without being condemned for their thoughts, I would. That's not the case though cause people will take what you say to heart and you'll end up more than likely breaking hearts. Not that I don't care I just don't care if you've deliberately done the same to me. No use in contemplating the obvious in life, in general. I thought I never wanted to see a face of care again, but you need those types of things to keep you going and to keep you safe from the bad. Pity is not sympathy, pity is pathetic and I don't want it. I don't even have to have the truth, I just want to fell like I'm not being lied to. The truth would be nice, but I'm sensitive so not the kind intended to hurt. I cant nor do I want to be the receiver of bad news. If my sadness is the aftermath of your choices then be done. Say so. But if no wrong has been done, state your reason with no regret. People a lot of times do things they will and know they will regret I'm guilty of that... but I'll say my apologies and expect for you to forgive me no matter the damage. Selfish and stupid huh? I don't care how bad something may have hurt, I still want you to forgive me, don't expect me to do the same though. My feelings count now because for a long time they seemed to have not. I was the one to hide my words from my tongue and and not let them escape my lips, for some reason. I wouldn't regret it, but I do find it unfortunate that you never asked me how I felt. This subject is touching on a lot. That's intended cause passion is inescapable along with imagination. I would imagine perfection and it would look like a flower wet with dew, bright and bold. A kid in overalls would come to it, amazed by its beauty. The kid would snatch the flower by its stem out of the ground, and quickly run it into his house. There the boy would get a vase put water in it and neatly place the flower in the water, unaware of the damage he had just done. The next few days the flower would slowly die. The boy would cry when it finally did and he'd take it outside and place it gently in the flower bed, sad. That's life perfectly... life, death, the you go back where you started. That's how I see it and that's how I would like it to be for me. I wouldn't pretend I cared if I really didn't and I would tell you I did if that were true.

Religion

There was a time when blessings flowed from the lips of my mom and there was total belief in the works of God. There is still belief but it seems that the things she longs for in life, while doing all the things she knows to do as right, have stopped happening. She in one of the most religious people I know, but even those who believe with all their heart sometimes doubts the methods of God I might not ever understand why God sometimes seemingly holds out on the blessings he has in store especially to those who diligently try to do right. Things like that make people want to stop their practices. There are so many people out there who consciously so wrong yet receive things with way more quantity and quality than those who don't. That's something I can truly say I don't like about life. You grow so weary...

Never the End

Being close to the end doesn't mean it is the end, and even if it were I would never have the strength to say that to you. That would have to be a choice made by you and something you yourself would have to deal with, I couldn't live knowing that something went terribly wrong in your life because of my absence. Silly to think that I so much meaning in your life but selfishly I think I do. I think that if I weren't in your life and I just left one day, you would no longer be able to go on. Maybe I feel this way cause somewhere in me I feel that if you were to leave and be unable to return, that would rip my world to shreds. Weirdly enough we both might someday encounter the feeling of disappointment due to the action of one another but leaving and failing to answer is something that is simply not an option. When you get tired of me I hope you'll just tell me, and that you won't pull me along as a burden in your life, and I promise I will also let you know. The End.

Random

1.What if you can breathe in space but the government tells us we couldn't so we wouldn't escape....
2.My grandma is talking to the t.v, lol hahaha then she screams where my teeth!!!???
3. I like to eat!!!

FOLLOWERS!!!!

Happy - Happy = sad + anger = Im freaking pissed. Im soo tired of people being hypocritical over dumb stuff. People be like "oh don't hang out with him he's atheus, he worships the devil" Your dumb as crap grab a dictionary, cause just because you don't believe in God doesn't automatically make you a devil worshiper. Gees.. On top of that don't act like you Lil Mr/ Ms. Holy like you ain't never did anything unworthy of being called a child of God. You curse everyday, you smoke every day, you sex every weekend, yet you call the kid that doesn't believe in God a sinner that should be thrown in the fiery gates of hell?? I HATE that, stupid people. I hate people who stick to mentality trends (M.O.B..ect) and follow crowds lead by someone who has no destination Grr... I hate people who make people feel bad about themselves, just to prove that their a bigger jerk than the next, Stupid Followers Urk Me!!. They sit around checking every guy that walks by not jokingly/ quietly but loud to the point that the kid can hear them. You don't what that little douche could do to you yet you pick on'em like no one's life is at risk. That guy could go home and kill himself the you become just as bad as the guy who doesn't believe in God. Then you have those ignorant weed heads... to close for comfort, next topic. Sex what the heck, what is the point, whats the motive why would you do something like that for fun. People describing it makes it sound so nasty and painful. Pain wow... My mom once told me I might more than likely end up in an abusive relationship when I grow up... haha Maybe that's why I love being angry so much and enjoy the feeling of my world crashing and blowing into flames. Not an excuse though, but maybe that's why I'm so different in the mind. I feel like everything I know I learned to early, and things I should know and be told I learn from my idiot peers who don't no nothing about nothing. This bugs me to the end. I feel like my voice are these word, but no one has the time to read them and I'm too afraid to say them, so they're hidden here until someone leaks them.