A Love Letter.

The truth, unable to be held in my hand and hid behind my back, is exposed. I love you. Those bold, blunt words fall so easily from my tongue and are placed so perfectly onto your heart that even I cant understand the words I spoke. Surprisingly you say them back, but I void them because my fear that you really mean them, pushes me to never want you say them again. With a force I cant really control or explain I hear you, but receiving them mentally is even harder than ignoring them. So I rephrase my love into care and certainty that I will never leave you hanging. But you don't seem to accept that so well. I voice that my care is worth so much more than my love because my love subconsciously leaves scares, but you don't care. You love me regardless of what my love threatens to do to you. I can't protect you from me, so I hide myself behind fancy thoughts and arrangements of words so you wont know how much it hurts me to love you because I don't want to hurt you. Your stronger than me, you love me in my imperfections so you say, but I can not deny... to you I would make changes so you would fit me. No more changes are to be made, I love you. More in love than ever with your flaws than with all the perfection to gain in the world. Love isn't something that's one sided or something that should be kept secret. Not anymore.

Your Life

A look into the eyes of yours is a look into the heart of the purest, the comfort within drives me closer to you, allowing guards to break for you to enter into my zone. You understand me underneath my flaws and above the comprehension of others. You are a threat to those who prey on me, you protect my heart in a place inside you, burying my doubts with your patience and ease of care. You proceed once the damage is over to encourage and uplift the downside of who I am. You breathe life into my body drowning from regret of past life experiences that cause pain and furry to overcome me. You are like air unseen but definately felt and enbarced. Your life.

I'm a Sinner

I screamed out that I was sorry for all my imperfections and transgressions as an adolescent. I'm not perfect and I believe that if I were I would long to be a delinquent. Wrong is something, I personally think, people want to do to test there distance from right. Some think all people were designed to be great and good. That's clearly not the case, cause ever morning I wake up and before the day ends I have committed yet another sin. A sin that unfortunately I have become bold enough not to repent for. Things like routine prayer are washed away from people over the years, without any regret or recognition of its occurrence. Basically we loose care of religion and loose count of our sins. I have. Belief yeah I believe but religion is something I've fallen short to practice. I hope "that day" will wait for me to get my life perfect, but I can never be sure, people die everyday. One day lived is just another day closer to death. Hmmm...

Love Rebuttal

Love is not something I can easily relate to cause every time its found it always gets lost amongst all the reckless emotions of anger and aggression I feel. I totally understand your comments but that word is something I'm highly unsure of and that is greatly possible may never be said from me and truly be meant. In my opinion, love isn't something everyone has a right to gain or to give. Those who tread closely to bitterness, anger, and regret will easily fall to hate. I don't want to hate anyone and it might be true that I'm too selfish to wanna love anyone, but that's personal and an issue I'm not prepared to confront yet. Hate is a stronger word to me and I chose not to use either now. Both fall miles short of happiness and consistently lead to pain, not always in my life but in the lives I've seen, people get hurt doing both. And I refuse to start loving too early and be scared from it.

My Name

My name has never been understood as a girl who was to be called whatever by anyone. Out of my name is something I will not encounter without a bomb to through over my shoulder at you to correct you. The right to be seen as anything other than what I AM entitled is shame, something I wont be the only one to experience, cause defence is like a force I can not control and like a grenade pulled and thrown to you is the effect of my feeling being ripped from my heart by a name on me I am not familiar with. Like bruises to be expected after a brutal punch to your eye I will lash out if I hear those words of non endearment thrown at me. Who are you to say who I am or who I have become without uplifting me to what I can be. A disgrace, is not a favor to me when not said to me. Mumbling to others about your stupid insecurities is not a trend worth wearing cause at the end will be the end of all happiness. My name is E'London and will forever be and never be anything else except the Princess I am.

My WALK

I know for a fact that if I were to go to school or anywhere without a smile on my face people would definitely notice cause they did today. Something unexplainable went terribly wrong this morning before school and I couldn't control the expression upon my face. 1st period was a no no and I was already late so I walked around til second period. Outside face moist from my disappointments, I walked when I came to this group of three thugged out guys that by appearance looked like they would rob you and not get away with it but leave you hurt, one stopped me. He turned and said aye you alright lil mommy? lol They attended my school so, two of the I had seen before but the one who spoke I had not. I replied yeah I'm fine, he said some like you don't look like it, you too pretty to be crying then asked me if he could walk with me. Not really caring I said I didn't mind so for about three minutes he tagged along asking and trying to get out of me what was wrong. He asked where I was headed and I said just walking, him too so we turned around and headed back to the direction he was originally walking then we caught up with his friends. They told me their names and that whatever was bothering me it would be ok, the main guy, Martines made a few jokes kinda flirty lol I laughed and soon we split and we all went our own direction. He made my day and you never know how a little concern from the person you might least expect really helps you feel better. Later I saw him in the hallway he spoke and we smiled and we continued our ways. He was sweet like something I had curiosity about and something that I might not ever experience again, it was lifting. I wont judge a book by its cover because the words inside, is what makes the difference obviously. Comfort is not a blanket or something that will hide you. Its something that will expose who you really are and the feelings you truly feel. Although I didn't tell him what was wrong, just a smile and a it'll be ok was the topping on my cakes that made it oh so eatable. :)

If I Died Young

If I were to die young, I would want to be buried in silk and among all the things I had cherished during my life. I would want no one to cry, but to laugh and say I had had some life and then everyone would go home happy and never think of me again, but see me in their dreams and live with me there as if I were still living in actuality. I would be a warm comforter to those who needed me and a reminder that life is shorter than long itself. They would bury me under a rose bush in a park and see me in every bloom that came. Many people would go by and look upon the bush and admire its beauty. For once everyone would be able to love me and  be eager to pick me off and take a part of me with them, but I wouldn't mind cause I had made it my choice to be there. I would impact so many more lives dead, than many would ever alive. I would be able to be still in peace knowing that someone saw my works everyday lol. Just the melody of a song would made this vision perfect.

After The After Party!

So I smiled so much yesterday that my jaws began to hurt. So in as little words as possible I enjoyed my birthday, I recieved most of the things i expected and wanted which was mostly money. So last night Klein and I went to the movies and there was a guy there who went to my church a few years ago by the name of Cody who seemed to be a little lost cause after being in line for his ticket for about ten minutes he just turned around and left after speaking to me lol weird. Anyway I'm happy and that says a lot. Now its a Sunday morning and I'm sitting here fully dressed ready to go to church and waiting for the family to go. Oh! i had a cupcake and milk for breakfast! YAy ME!!!! Now my tummy hurts.

england!!!

Its My Birthday

So.. its my birthday and I'm in Olive Branch, MS with my family we're going to be celebrating but all of the family isn't here yet. OH by the way Lawton my 9 month old brother love the Wobble song it's crazy. He dances and shakes his butt like me knows the meaning of the song lol. So far my birthday has been like extremely good. I'm happy, I wanna go out like to the movies, but I doubt we'll be able to go cause Klein is in trouble. Life is still great I'm happy and happy I will be regardless of the circumstances Cause It's My Birthday!

EnglandHasBirthdays

An Idle Mind Is the Devil's Workshop.

I would sit not saying anything pertaining to my feelings for the last few weeks. Not saying I wasn't thinking, but the thoughts just seemed unable to be verbalized at the time. I anticipated this meeting returning to its regular schedule, but the time never seemed to come. I could think of a million things to say but not one you would ever hear. And now that it's too late I can't help but to feel a little depressed about the situation and my failure to keep in touch with you. I heard you ask where I had been but I refused to answer, so you slowly turned away. Finally I find the time for you where you fit comfortably amongst all my other values in life. Hello to you too.

You could have not easily been removed that's why we have come to meet again and my words even more vivid than before you've noticed. I'm sure you might had expected more but that's clearly not what your getting. Things have changed and my mind is seen more clearly through my skull cause I'm human, and I also make mistakes and at times things in life aren't as stable as they could be but I'm working on that diligently. Basically, if I start back sitting here in silence give me a minute to get my answer together before you rush me to it. My mind is never idle. I'm clearly in deep thought

You're Not Listening

You can sit back and think about everything you have ever done wrong along with all the people you've hurt and ask why do I make those types of choices. Then on the other hand you sit back and you ask am I really hurting this person or are they ok with the decisions I am making and never have the courage to ask. I can't please everyone, but I can always please myself, I have that ability. I wonder, if my words became muted to you would you still, somewhere in your mind, acknowledge that I just might still be alive or would I fall into obliviousness and become invisible to in your thoughts. I purposely cut you off and I know that I will sometimes wonder about your presence but being in two different places in our lives will eliminate thoughts about possibility. I might seem as if I'm just rambling and if your feeling that way then you're not listening. I wont, and have not been this open about truth as I am to you. Some things are to dangerous to try and you just cant handle your own truth no matter how accepting someone might be of it. No doubt I do like myself but comfort is what I will no longer allow and you are often that sofa of my favorite fabric I lay upon to sleep my reality away. Your ears are open to listen but you are not. As your eyes read from line to line, word for word imagine me speaking them and the flow of the syllables. If your feelings have broken and your understanding has failed, you are not listening. Fear of self will lead you away from the mirror and not allowing yourself to look will leave you without challenge to change your movements. I am changing my movements, I do often, do not miss anyone, life is full of seasons and I am the flower, winter is soon to come and my presence will be gone from you. I might return but chances are I might not. Do not water me or try to replant what is clearly not able to grow, that will leave you sad and anxious. A smile and simple greeting is all a person will ask for if they do not know you, but once known you are thought to open up to that person and mail them information about yourself. I just wanted to meet you, nothing more, but more is the result of the mail I have sent you. If I'm not saying anything, You're Not Listening