Losing Yourself

Today I woke up thinking that many things about myself had changed during college. I am not the happy, super eager, fulfilling London that I once knew myself to be. I woke up and remember going to sleep dead. I felt the lose of control and the screaming in my head when my spirit crossed out of myself; I must not have been a good host. I felt the hate towards my negative self for entering and disrupting who I knew I was destined to be. I feel lonely, neglected, pitiful. I feel like a case all over again. I vowed to never feel this was. I cant remember ever losing my soul or even misplacing it but I know that on today I do not possess it. College is not the breeze I thought it was going to be. I found love, hate , anger, freedom and I thought I had found myself and today as I vent I realize those are all the thing I have lost. I no longer hold any of those emotions. I can say a clean slate can be nice but its not so nice when you don't trust those around you to instill the good and hope back into you. I am stuck between a rock and another rock. I am being broken, chipped, compressed, rearrange and decomposed into something I didn't ask for but that i hope will be for the betterment of myself. I don't know why this is happening but I know when the going gets tough I can always write and I know that when I come up for air alter my key strokes my life will be back on the up and up, I have faith in myself and God even though I can not find either right now. I wanted to die yesterday and everything that hurts me to die with me because my purpose is not what I thought it was I found myself lost and unprotected. My mom had told me I am not who I think I am, and yesterday was proof. I had thought in coming to college and meeting certain people that I was put in their lives to help them and of course I would learn some things along the way but never would I thought I would be breaking the very people I opened my mouth to say I love and that they would help me more than ever. I have reached the low of lows and have rebelled against all authority and structure. I had lost hope until I began to write.

#penandpaper

College Chances Things

When the time comes and the people around you fade and hate grows inside of you for the people you know you are destined to meet who you know will hate you. College will begin soon and the infliction within my personality these new surrounding people might not understand. Acceptance is not at all something that I'm fighting for.  I'm done. High school was not a fairy tale nor was it a dream it was definitely wake up call. I found myself along the walls of White Station High School. I found a complicated love for someone who might not come up front and say that they loved me back. Its okay, my sun don't shine on you, and my rain wont mess up your day. Anyway I cant deny that I have come to understand what others defy. My mom has instilled in me what I need. My life will be easy because I choose to make it that way.
~Looking for inspiration.

My epic.

So this weekend was full of plenty of happiness I spent most of the time with my closest and dear friend Kelsey Johnson. She is by far the best that I could ask for, she will always be there. I know and realize that I am not perfect but and I.can't even day it's something I strive to be. I just enjoy life and take it for what it is... The air I breathe will never get and thinner so mu thought might not ever get any clearer so I'm just living. This weekend I living with a bottle in the air and a swisher to my mouth jk but that's what I compare it to how turned up I was. I'm happy. Life is good. Amen.

My Birthday Weekend Starts

So an awesome fact is that it is my birthday weekend. I'm over my dad's house I got over here yesterday, Friday, and something I could not imagine happened that could change the way Life goes. Kellee and my dad got into a big argument that I couldn't hear because they and Lawton were outside. I was inside watering my dad's plants and  through the small glass between I could hear Kellee yelling at my dad as if she was fussing but at the time I had no idea about what. That lasted a few more minutes then Kellee stormed in with Lawton on her hip and a looked of betrayal on her face. i of course asked her what was wrong and she quickly replied "ask your dad am I OK with all the hoes he's fucking?" I could respond when she said that all I could find in my vocabulary to say was "Are you OK?" once more and she replied "NO! I'M NOT OK!" I started to notice that she was crying in anger and was moving way to fast to have a 20 month old on her hip so I urged her to give me Lawton, she gave him to me. and continue to scrabble around the room looking for Lawton's shoes. She gave them to me and then told me to put them on him and that she was about to leave.When his shoes were on she took him from me and went in the garage where i didn't follow. My dad came in and went to the garage and they resumed their conversation there. the rest is just nothing important they just argued and then both came in despite my dad having to be at work.
So that blows over and the night comes to an end like any other night. This morning I wake up like any other person in the world to find myself with a missed phone call and 4 unread messages. One of the messages was from Ronald Thompson??? I don't get it why could he be texting me? to say what. he said "Hey." at 2 something in the morning of of course I didn't reply because I was sleep, but since I'm curious I think I might text him back just to see what me may want. I can do this . I'm fine.
Life is just been so weird these two days full of the unexpected, I guess that's just life.
 

Make that change!

Words can either break or make a person. Slaughter them or make them want to slaughter themselves. Nothing really matters in life besides what you lead people to think of you, personality wise. Not based on looks or smarts but you as a person. Of course all those other things matter to a certain extent but not to the extremity of life or death. I want to base my life on understanding myself and having others understand me because they want to not because I forced them to by crying, screaming, or making things all too serious. Life is for enjoyment not harsh rules and anger, nor judgement. I wish more people understood this simple concept of me and the way I plan to live once on my own.
~Its time for a change and tears will no longer be involved. I will scream to my lungs in defense for what I love and who I am, those who show no mercy to my ears neither will they receive any.~      -E'London
 "Let the harmony of my voice and the tempo of my words penetrate the spirit within you, that we might be together in a realm further than the visible."
 Me.