Today I woke up thinking that many things about myself had changed during college. I am not the happy, super eager, fulfilling London that I once knew myself to be. I woke up and remember going to sleep dead. I felt the lose of control and the screaming in my head when my spirit crossed out of myself; I must not have been a good host. I felt the hate towards my negative self for entering and disrupting who I knew I was destined to be. I feel lonely, neglected, pitiful. I feel like a case all over again. I vowed to never feel this was. I cant remember ever losing my soul or even misplacing it but I know that on today I do not possess it. College is not the breeze I thought it was going to be. I found love, hate , anger, freedom and I thought I had found myself and today as I vent I realize those are all the thing I have lost. I no longer hold any of those emotions. I can say a clean slate can be nice but its not so nice when you don't trust those around you to instill the good and hope back into you. I am stuck between a rock and another rock. I am being broken, chipped, compressed, rearrange and decomposed into something I didn't ask for but that i hope will be for the betterment of myself. I don't know why this is happening but I know when the going gets tough I can always write and I know that when I come up for air alter my key strokes my life will be back on the up and up, I have faith in myself and God even though I can not find either right now. I wanted to die yesterday and everything that hurts me to die with me because my purpose is not what I thought it was I found myself lost and unprotected. My mom had told me I am not who I think I am, and yesterday was proof. I had thought in coming to college and meeting certain people that I was put in their lives to help them and of course I would learn some things along the way but never would I thought I would be breaking the very people I opened my mouth to say I love and that they would help me more than ever. I have reached the low of lows and have rebelled against all authority and structure. I had lost hope until I began to write.
#penandpaper
#penandpaper
